“The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life”

By Eugene Mirman

Harper Perennial

$13.99

Modern life is so confusing sometimes that it’s nice to have a thorough, well-written and completely demented guide to rely on. Eugene Mirman provides that with his all-encompassing new book, chock full of all the guidance you didn’t know you needed. From helping you get through school to revealing what happens in the afterlife (hint: It’s a mish-mash of every major religion’s views on what lies beyond), Mirman provides answers to questions that you might ask, if you’re drunk enough.

“The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life” (Harper Perennial, $13.99) is a hilarious send-up of self-help books and certainly more helpful than anything by Dr. Phil or those other hacks. Mirman, a veteran stand-up comedian, tackles the various aspects of modern life that leave us all sometimes scratching our heads (or someone else’s) trying to make sense of it all. Starting at the beginning (two prefaces and three introductions, just for good measure), Mirman illustrates how modern life is different from the past (McDonald’s sells salads, polio is uncommon and homosexuals practice magic out in the open, for example). He then breaks down how to be unique in school by fitting into an easily-identifiable archetype, why it’s never a good idea to go on a bar crawl (something this reviewer can back up with personal experience), how to find love and sex (no longer mutually exclusive), and how you can make money (invest in stocks, bonds and David Bowie).

Mirman also address politics, families and other sometimes unpleasant aspects of life in the 21st century. Through it all, he throws in little nuggets of wisdom that are likely to be just as false as they are side-splittingly funny. Death is not the end, of course: Heaven is actually a place called “Goodtimes,” and there’s no such thing as Hell (bad people get reincarnated as cheese and eaten by the residents of Goodtimes). That’s got to be reassuring to Christians, Muslims, Jews and even atheists. This information could save lives and put an end to various “holy wars” (or not).

From picking out a band name from a list of randomly-chosen words and phrases (my band name will be “The Throw Your Junk at the Sun Child Stars”… see page 142, you’ll know what I mean) to how to be metal (hint: You can’t be metal if you wish a stranger happy birthday if you’re just friends with them on MySpace), Mirman also gives you advice on how to make it in the entertainment industry of which he is a part. There’s no future in collage-making, by the way (apologies to any aspiring collage-makers out there).

“The Will to Whatevs” might not answer all your questions, but it will leave you with plenty of new ones. In this life, you don’t often get a roadmap as much as a puzzle on a tacky McDonald’s placemat. Eugene Mirman makes that placemat, and life, a little easier to navigate.