There are few debates more contentious, more divisive, and more destructive to the fabric of American democracy and our way of life than the following: are you a cat person or a dog person? Wars have been fought over this, like the Civil War (the North was enamored of its feline companions, while the South fought to protect their right to own hunting dogs). People have turned against one another, blood has been shed, fur has flown. It’s a conflict more epic in scale, and more unlikely to be resolved, than anything the Palestinians and Israelis could come up with.

In this tooth-and-nail-and-claw debate, I must err on the side of compromise, for I am one of those rare people who have no clear preference for one or the other. When it comes to dogs versus cats, you could say I’m bisexual…wait, that didn’t come out right. I mean, I like ‘em both, and if you put a gun to my head to make me choose, I’d have a pretty hard time doing so. While you’re holding just such a metaphorical gun to my metaphorical head, let me consider the arguments on both sides of the issue.

For one thing, both cats and dogs are gosh-darn adorable in their infant states. Kitties love to play, they love to be petted, and they love to test out their fresh new claws on your furniture or your face if you hold them too close. Never has an animal in possession of a potentially lethal weapon been so cute. Puppies love to run, they love to bark when you enter the house, and they love to poop in the floor (granted, kitties do the same, but it’s somehow more heartwarming when a puppy does it). Both love to chase after red pen lights that you light up so they can never quite catch the red dot that’s emitted. So it’s a bit of a tie there.

On the down side, kitties grow up to be…cats. Soulless, listless, emotionally cold and distant cats, cats who won’t even look at you unless you’ve got a tin of their favorite cat food at the ready (and god help you if it’s not the particular flavor they’ve grown accustomed to; it’s no accident that Morris the Cat was such a snob). If you’re the kind of person who needs constant attention, cats are not for you. They’re dependent on you for food and shelter, but after that they can pretty much do without you unless they’re that rare breed of cat who seeks affection outside of normal feeding and/or grooming times.

Puppies grow up to be dogs, and dogs love you no matter what you do. They love you so much that they slobber all over everything you own, rip your shoes to shreds, and chase after you when you leave. They’re big showers of affection. But they also love to chase a car, which sometimes means that they get hit by cars that come along while they’re chasing other ones. Some dogs in my neighborhood have learned that the hard way. Also, dogs serve as protectors of the homestead, alerting you whenever someone suspicious is coming around your domicile. They also alert you when the wind blows or the moon or sun is out, because they will bark at anything. They also have a tendency to bite, which is cute when they’re puppies but painful when they’ve got grown-up dog teeth. They think they’re being playful; you think they really don’t know their own strength.

So which species is better? Like I said, I’m a uniter, not a divider. I have made acquaintances from both groups, and I have to say that sometimes I’m a dog person, sometimes a cat person. It just depends. What is important, though, is that you treat both animals with courtesy and care, because cats and dogs may be able to fight amongst themselves alright, they sometimes fall victim to human cruelty or indifference. Look at how someone treats their pets and you’ll know how they are likely to treat people around them. It’s not a set-in-stone kind of thing, but it’s pretty on the mark.

So in this contest, both sides win. Cats might be standoffish at times, but they’re really warm to you if you wait a while. Dogs might seem big and stupid when chasing after cars, but they’re quite good at scaring off burglars. Both are fun to pet, unless you’re dealing with a ticked-off cat. In that case, you’d better feed him first.